Friday, September 17, 2010
When I grow up I want to be a writer. I want to publish books for the world to read. I don't necessarily want to be famous but I wouldn't mind being popular enough that I can make a living doing it. I couldn't tell you how many times that thought has crossed through my mind. It first came to me at a young age and it has never really left. I tried pursuing other things but they never really worked out. I thought of myself as a failure because I couldn't accomplish a lot or see things through. I blamed it on my depression and anxiety. That was easy. I blamed it on other people as well. That was easy too. The truth is I only have myself to blame. Those other things didn't work out because when it came right down to it I didn't want them to work out. They had nothing to do with my dream of being a writer so I didn't put my best foot forward. I set myself up for failure because I knew that even if I accomplished something else I wouldn't be happy because it wasn't what I really wanted. I see things clearer now than I have before. I see a lot of people making careers doing things they don't want to do. They are stuck and they have reached a point where there is nothing they can do about it. They are unhappy and while they are at work all they think about is when their next day off will be. TGIF, a lot of them say. The weekend flies by though and they have to start over again. Mondays are the worst for them. I worked in the meat department of a grocery store and got to where I was pretty good at what I did. I even took a course in it and learned a lot. I could have built off of that and made a pretty decent living somewhere. It's not what I wanted to do with my life though. I was asked a few days ago by someone if I ever missed working in a meat department and I honestly answered that I didn't and I felt happy with that response. I made more money than I make now but that doesn't matter to me if I'm not happy. The whole time I was there all I looked forward to were the times I wouldn't have to be there. Now I work part time at a motel. I clean rooms and do laundry. I hardly make enough money to break even. They could pay me a lot more and I would still feel the same as I did when I worked at the store. Neither one of these jobs have anything to do with my dream. People lose sight of their dreams and someday that's all they are. At one time they were goals. They were possible. People forget that part. They get to thinking something like, 'Who was I kidding? That never would have worked out anyways.' I hope i'm wrong in a lot of cases. I hope people are happy with whatever job they have, whatever life they live. I've seen some people that aren't though and when I look in the mirror in the morning I realize that I am one of them. This is the hand i've been dealt, I tell myself. Oh no, I dealt myself this hand. I'm here because every step I took on my own has led me up to this point. Something is different now though. I've realized that while I'm still breathing it doesn't matter how many years have gone by. I still have the power to take my life in any direction I want to. Their is only one direction that matters though. Their is only one direction that will make me happy and i've known what it was for a long time. It's within reach but am I actually going to reach for it? Am I going to reach for a pen and write a few lines and decide they are crap and crumple up the page? Am I going to go to the motel and decide that this is my life? No, I'm not. I'm going to follow my dream. It's what I'm meant to do.